The Vinny Testaverde touchdown dance is hopelessly out of date. [The Onion]

Filed under: Los Angeles, New York, Yankees, Dodgers, AL East, NL East, The Dugout

Dusty Baker gets a press pass for the World Series because he’s the manager of the Cincinnati Reds, and if the Reds finish in last place with 161 losses in 2008, Dusty will be fired and become the new head coach of the Devil Rays. Or the new head coach of the Phillies. Or the new head coach of some amalgamation of the Cubs and Giants. He’ll coach the “Gubs.”

Now is the season for managerial changes and the more things change, the more things stay the same. We know what a coach does. It makes sense. We’ve read books telling us that coaches do nothing. But as do-gooders or do-nothings, why are they always the same guys? Is Jim Tracy seriously in the top 30 baseball coaches in the world?

Today, the Dugout deals with intolerance. It has little to do with how much Dusty Baker looks like Ving Rhames in that get-up.

Continue reading The Dugout: Under New Management

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We’ve talked to you about the great sport of finger jousting before, but we are proud to report that the World Finger Jousting Federation has come up with an official set of rules. They’re quite helpful.

Indisturbance: Avoid disquieting surrounding bystanders and inanimate objects while leisure jousting. Do not engage in finger jousting matches at inappropriate settings or during inappropriate times.



Manicure: Taking care of your fingernails is a sign of respect for your opponent and shows an interest in maintaining a healthy body.

We recommend you check out the whole set of rules, and then start your own league today. If we can get together a group of finger jousters who can rival No. 3 world ranked Josh “Darth Bob” Kinder, Deadspin will happily sponsor a team.

Official Finger Jousting Rules [FingerJoust]
I Will Joust You With My Finger, Bitch [Deadspin]

Filed under: Lakers, Rockets, NBA Videos, Los Angeles, The Word

Could this be an omen? A glimpse at life without Kobe Bryant? A permanent stain on Luke Walton’s good name? Insult added to the injury that is Kwame Brown’s career?

Also, I could’ve sworn that Tracy McGrady celebrated more after this. Like he was pleased with the points, but really just likes a good blooper.

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• Matt Ryan shouldn’t be considered a serious Heisman candidate. [Sportscrack]
• Larry Czonka, definitely not rooting for the Patriots. [Phin Phanatic]
• The Tigers’ trade for Edgar Renteria makes them even scarier. [Vegas Watch]
• Being an assistant coach in college basketball sucks. [Thermocaster]
• The five worst blowouts of the NFL season so far. [The Legend Of Cecilio Guante]
• It’s easier to get Islanders memorabilia, for those people who actually want Islanders memorabilia. [Going Five Hole]
• Hey, everybody: Al Harris stinks. [The Kwame Cake Incident]
• The internal NFL monologues. [Throwing Into Traffic]
• Which bowl are the Illini going to? [The Huddle]
• Next up for “Jub Jub:” Charles Barkley. [Jen’s Free Throws]

Filed under: New York, Yankees, FanHouse TV

Gabe Silva, Yankee fan morose human being, reflects on the world of sports talks to himself in his room.

For 150 million dollars, you could buy that robot-guarded island you’ve always wanted. Or you could buy Alex Rodriguez.

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We’re dangerously close to the start of the NBA season, with all its drama and months of madness. To us, part of the beauty of the NBA is that its focus, while ultimately on the team, falls on the individual. The plight of one player becomes an epic tale in the shadow of Jordan; who is the real alpha dog? It’s this source of expression and personal comedy/tragedy that makes the game so compelling. There’s nowhere to hide out there.

Today: Kevin Garnett. Your author is Dr. Lawyer IndianChief. His words are after the jump.

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Kevin Garnett is the moral center of the NBA universe and the newfound spokesman for the league after being traded from Minnesota to Boston this summer. As a Timberwolves fan since Sidney Lowe was running point with Sam Mitchell on the wing, my NBA offseason felt like a parental divorce, a reincarnation, a bar mitzvah and a funeral all in one. I revoke a mentor, I breathed anew, I grew up a little bit, and I performed mummification and ancestral worship rituals at the site of a lost loved one. My forecast for KG’s season will read as the NBA fan’s seven stages of grief.

1. Underwhelmed dullness. I always thought it would hurt more than it actually did, but my rationalization mechanisms kicked in immediately. A general desensitizing hum accompanied my complete lack of surprise, given that the Timberwolves had already reportedly been shopping KG around the time of the draft. His conclusion in Minnesota seemed logical — occurring neither after some definitive dispute with management nor at the end of a wearied contract. This departure was as anticlimactic as the Timberwolves last season, as they finished in the dungeons of the Western Conference while KG rode the bench with “tendonitis.” Tabula Rasa, KG takes a new step forward with the Celtics.

2. Existential Void. When a player goes to Boston, he does not ascend to a grander stage, but rather he is engulfed by a cosmic vortex of muscle encased in a stratosphere of HGH clouds and musk. From the synaptic firings in Peter Gammons’ brain to the Red Sox cap worn by the 14-year-old girl in Newton, there’s a poison going on. Boston is sports hell. When a player departs to Chicago, the world embraces him. In New York or LA, that player will be ogled and monitored like some Komodo Dragon exhibit at the Aquarium. But for any player to go to Boston means that he has committed to a light of arguing with ESPN at night over who stole the covers. As blatant as KG’s existence is on Sports Illustrated covers and in Adidas commercials, it is now as though he doesn’t exist at all.

3. Bitter Well-wishing. KG is That Dude. Here’s to a million more triple-doubles in losing efforts. The Celtics could win the Eastern Conference. But winning the Eastern Conference doesn’t mean shit. New Jersey is probably gonna be real good. With Jamal Magloire. And with David Wesley. Yeah, New Jersey is gonna be trouble for Boston. Don’t sleep on New Jersey. Or the Knicks.

But seriously. I’m just happy that KG looks the happiest he’s been for a while.

4. Concern for Legacy. The old conventional wisdom, partially perpetuated by me, was to explain Tim Duncan’s championship success (compared to the KG dearth) by essentially text messaging, “DUNCAN HAD ALL THAT HELP HE HAD PARKER AND GINOBILI IMAGINE WHAT GARNETT COULD DO WITH HELP.” New conventional wisdom is, KG, be careful what you wish for. See, now it’s like, Duncan grabbed those two post-Admiral rings with only Manu and Tony P by his side. If Garnett can’t capture the Larry O’Brien trophy rolling with Paul Pierce and Ray Allen–two proven alpha dog all-stars–then really what is his fairytale? KG’s career to this point has been chalk full of built-in excuses: Starbury’s departure, the death of Malik Sealy, the failure to resign Chauncey Billups, lost draft picks because of the Joe Smith scandal, the Cassell & Sprewell contract flare-ups. KG truly loved his Minnesota situation, because it came with those apologies. One could blame Kevin McHale or Glen Taylor or the heavens for all of Minnesota’s struggles. But now you stand at centerstage. And now the failure to win a championship will fall squarely on your shoulders. Ask AI (that formerly rugged emblem of underdogged Philadelphia) how he likes his legacy dying a slow baby blue death.

5. Resuscitation. Time to exhale. The Target Center has taken on the character of an elephant graveyard for the past few seasons. Every corporate sponsor-entrusted ticket holder has been walking around with blue hair and clenched cheeks wondering when somebody would finally machete that tension. Is it strange to say that watching a team headed by Al Jefferson will be more enjoyable than watching that same team led by KG for the past two years? There is nothing more frustrating than watching a player who does everything. Those players are never good. Watching KG’s teams was like watching daytime Emmy award winners. Sebastian Telfair and Corey Brewer running around recklessly is like Mr. Wizard. Again, the legacy issue. KG go forth, but if the Timberwolves win one more game than last year (33), you have some serious soul-searching to do.

6. Confusion. Kevin Garnett is on the Celtics. Tell me that even he doesn’t think he looks weird wearing that shamrock green. “HAS THE BALANCE OF POWER SHIFTED TO THE EAST?!” No. But grown men walk the forests with no identities. No selfs.

7. Disdain. KG is the prime exemplar of this new genre of athlete that I like to call, the passive-aggressive toddlers (PATs). Donovan McNabb plays quarterback for that team. Shaq is center. These guys are masterful interview subjects, they keep the fans in their pocket and always deflect blame toward someone else–usually some invisible front office figure caricatured to look like Rich Uncle Pennybags. They never admit their hypocrisy, preferring to redefine what their definition of “is” is. Whereas guys like T.O., A-Rod, and Kobe just kind of bug us, the PATs are worse, because they portray an illusion of “taking the high road.” With KG, I have documented all of these transgressions in more depth here. But a recent Slam Interview, in which he talks about being betrayed by the Timberwolves front office, dumped like a lousy boyfriend, blindsided … how he never asked for a trade … how saddened he was by Flip Saunders’ departure … all of that verbosity really reopened wounds for me. And whatever is coming from Garnett’s mouth stinks something awful.

At the time of the coaching switch…KG called McHale taking over for Saunders a “breath of fresh air.”

In an interview last year, ALSO with Slam’s Lang Whitaker, KG practically begged to leave Minnesota.

Not to mention his famous “Thank God for opt-outs” muckraking at the trade deadline.

We’re not that stupid, KG. We remember all the good times and we remember the petty chatter as well. It’s gonna be a good year for you, but it will never feel the same.

Filed under: Padres, NL West, San Diego, Breaking News, PEDs

Padres center fielder Mike Cameron has been suspended 25 games for a second positive test for a banned stimulant. Cameron told Double X Sports Radio, the Padres flagship station, that he wanted to make it clear that he was not messing around with steroids. Instead, Cameron figures the stimulant came from one of the supplements he was taking. Considering he had already tested positive once for the banned stimulant, I find the excuse to be poor at best; Cameron should have been more cautious with what he put in his body.

Since Cameron is a free agent this winter, the timing of the news has to be devastating. For instance, had the Angels known Gary Matthews Jr. would be involved in an HGH scandal shortly after they signed him to a longterm deal, they probably wouldn’t have offered him a contract. Knowing that Cameron will not only miss the first month of the season, but that he’s one more positive test away from an 80 game suspension, cannot be comforting for a team looking to open up the bank on a talented player like Cameron. With many other center fielders on the free agent market like Torii Hunter, Andruw Jones, and Aaron Rowand, Cameron’s chances of locking up a good-sized longterm deal just were downgraded a bit. I’m guessing the Padres still try and lock him up for a few more years.

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So, now that A-Rod has opted out of his contract, we suppose we have to start speculating about where he’s going to sign. We know. It’s not fun for us either. But it’s our job.

Anyway, as always, it’s best to look to Vegas — or at least Bodog — to catch a feel for which way the wind be blowing. So far, they like the Angels. Here are their odds:

What team will Alex Rodriguez be playing for on Opening Day ‘08?

Los Angeles Angels 3/1

Los Angeles Dodgers 4/1

Chicago Cubs 9/2

Detroit Tigers 5/1

Boston Red Sox 6/1

New York Yankees 6/1

New York Mets 9/1

Philadelphia Phillies 9/1

San Francisco Giants 10/1

Field (Any Other Team) 5/2

As we have made abundantly clear, we’re not the betting sort … but we would think the Giants at 10-1 odds would be a reasonable investment. Plus, you know, they’ve got plenty of she-male, muscular types there; not to be understated.

Filed under: Jaguars, Breaking News, PEDs

The Jacksonville Jaguars signed defensive tackle Grady Jackson yesterday, and today we may have learned why they suddenly decided they were in the market for a run-plugger in the middle.

Pro Football Talk, citing a report from radio station 1010XL in Jacksonville, says that Jaguars defensive tackle Marcus Stroud will be suspended soon for violating the NFL’s policy on anabolic steroids and related substances.

The report says that Stroud’s A sample tested positive and that there are not yet results back from his B sample. Stroud will have the opportunity to appeal but will most likely be suspended four games.

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